Why can’t you change?
Are you too comfortable?
One of my favorite quotes says, “nothing will bring you closer to destruction then comfort.”
In the Marine Corps we would say, “complacency kills!”
You have all heard the illustration an example about how to boil a frog in hot water by turning the temperature up little by little rather than immediately so he stays comfortable and never jumps out until he dies. Unfortunately as humans we naturally tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain on our most basic levels but I believe that through understanding and life experience one can actually invert that paradigm so that they seek pain for its benefits and avoid short-term pleasure and by doing this one can actually unlock higher forms of pleasure long-term.
The truth is simply that the easy road generally becomes unbearably difficult in the long run and what may appear to be the difficult road at first is the only path that will make you strong enough to find rest through mastery of your circumstances long-term.
I used to think that when people have had enough pain they will naturally change but what I have also seen is that when they lack the knowledge or when they don’t think change is possible, they will find ways to cope. Learning to cope in the wrong circumstances is one of the most dangerous pitfalls we are faced with in life in my opinion. This desire to cope with one’s pain can be one of the most crippling things in the world but it is the result of an underdeveloped self-image, which is something that must be deliberately cultivated through what I call, “the fearless approach to life.” The more you do, the more you can do but most importantly the more you believe you can do.
To try and succeed is to know that you can achieve, to try and fail is to know you cannot be destroyed but not to try is to have to deal with the most debilitating fear known to man, which has to do with never knowing whether or not you are good enough.
Do you believe you can change?
Most of the time the reason people fight to stay in unfulfilling circumstances is because on their deepest levels they are afraid or they don’t believe they have what it takes to achieve. When you are struggling with this on a subconscious level it is very easy to find many if not any reason outside of yourself as to why things aren’t working, wouldn’t work etc. What I want you to focus on however is the truth that, at all times we have positive and negative components of every situation available to us so why focus on the negatives when nothing’s perfect any way?
In my opinion generally those who focus on the negatives whether they are conscious or unconscious of this fact are running a protection strategy in order to stay safe. If you genuinely believe something won’t work and you want it bad enough then you will genuinely find a way to make it work. The truth becomes obvious when you explain why it will not work and then do nothing about it. Either you don’t want it bad enough, you don’t have a plan to attain it that you believe will work or you don’t believe it’s something you’re capable of achieving, otherwise you would. There is nothing wrong with not going after everything but when something matters to you, then all of this becomes important.
If you lack the motivation to do something it is because one of the three components for motivation is broken or too weak to get you to take action. Either you don’t believe you can achieve, you don’t have a clear plan that you believe will work or your goal does not seem worth it for whatever reason. Generally I find people’s blockages have to do with self-identity or having a clear plan that they believe in and a lack of motivation is the inevitable result…Generally this is what keeps most people stuck for years. The fortunate / unfortunate truth about this triad is that it’s all a matter of perception and perspective so through perceptual empowerment you can motivate yourself anytime you want. You got yourself to this spot and you’re the only one who can get yourself out, truth be told wherever you are tomorrow will be the result of your actions today.
What does change represent to you?
Our own paradigms keep us stuck. Ask yourself one question, what does change represent to me? Think about the things that you want to change and think about the path to that change and then notice what it represents to you. How does change make you feel? When you think about the road to change does it seem comfortable, inviting and pleasurable, does it even seem worth it? This paradigm that associates the short-term sacrifices with amplified pain that outweighs the long-term benefits is another thing that keeps people stuck for very long periods of time.
Fortunately all that is necessary to overcome this mental obstacle is a slight paradigm shift and a small modification of perception, perspective and belief. You need to begin associating short-term sacrifices with long-term benefits that far outweigh short-term benefits with long-term sacrifices. It is far more valuable to win the war than just the battle. Play for the process not the momentary prize. The above-mentioned phrase has to do with a principle that does not error no matter what area of life it is applied to.
Think of an area in your life right now that you are successful at and you will see this principle at work. Now take the realization of the effectiveness of that principle in that area of your life of success and associated it to the changes you need to make in areas of your life that you’re not successful in. Do you see how much better things would be if you begin valuing your long-term success over your short-term indulgences? Hopefully this will help you realize that subjugating short-term pleasure for long-term gain will give you a fuller, more stable, higher quality and more fulfilling form of happiness in the end.
When you stop playing for the short-term payoff and learn to play for and appreciate the long-term process and prize the magic will happen.
So how do you change?
The answer is quite simple but not easy and it depends on your situation / problem. For some it is most important for you to find someone else who possesses the knowledge you need in order to achieve your goal. For others it is important that you create a plan you know you can achieve, do things to help you realize that you can achieve and realize that change is actually much more worth it to you then you have realized in the past. Said differently; do things you fear until the death of fear is certain and you have built your self-confidence. Without self-confidence you are already dead in the water! Yet still for others of you it is necessary to experience more pain because through that experience you will eventually decide that enough is enough and wake up to the truth about how easy it actually is to change when you are ready. There is however one common thread that brings all of these approaches to change together… ACTION! You must in one way or another take massive, deliberate, consistent, aggressive and even violent action to achieve change. Once you do and you see results your process will take on a life of its own and momentum can carry you to success as long as you stay focused on the correct things. The principle is however that taking massive ACTION one way or another is truly the only real way to change.
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